Friday, September 11, 2009

Guardian Angel

A Child Called "IT"

Briar Rose

Setting: David's home and the local hospital

Becca stopped in her tracks when she hear the wicked scream of an angered woman. She had been out for her daily walk. When the cry came from the house across the street. She immediately ran to the house to hear a child crying. She ran in the front door and found little David Pelzer being beaten by his mother. Becca immediately intervened and pulled David away from his mother. He was bleed profusely and was unconscious. Becca called the police and then returned her attention to David who was now regaining consciousness. When the police and EMTs to the scene Becca explained her what she had seen then she hopped into the back of the ambulance to get a ride to the hospital to make sure David would be alright. At the hospital Becca found out David would be okay although he would need many stitches to fix the laceration on his head. Becca went into the room where David was and asked him what his name was.

David spat out,”David Pelzer, who are you?”

I'm Rebecca Berlin, the one who stopped you mother from attacking you”, replied Rebecca.

I was alright” David said.

It wasn't even as bad as normal.”

You mean your mother always beats you?”, asked Rebecca in shock.

Yes, almost everyday.” said David who was now looking out window at some birds in a tree.

That's awful. Why would she do such a thing?” asked Rebecca disgusted by David's mother.

I don't know. She's always beaten me, ever since I was little.” said David in a saddening tone.

Becca continued to ask David about his mother and learned that the beating got even worse after his father had left them. Becca then told the doctors what David told her.

That's just terrible” said one of the nurses while standing outside of David's room.

I know and he told me it's been going on for almost as long as he can remember.”Said Becca.

Becca returned to David's room to talk to him some more. This time she told David about herself. How her grandmother was a survivor of the Holocaust. And how she went to Poland and Chelmno death camp to learn about her grandmother. David seemed very interested in Becca's stories because every time Becca would pause David's eyes would show disappointment like Becca was done talking to him.

It was now very late in the afternoon, nearly 7:00 PM. Becca told David she had to go home but she would check up on him in the morning.

And you promise to come back at 9:00 tomorrow right?” asked David.

Becca could see his excitement in his eyes. She had to come back the next day to see him for a little bit. So Becca said good-bye and she got a ride home with Stan. On her way home she told Stan about David and was surprised to find herself nearly in tears by the end of the story. Stan calmed her and dropped her off outside of her house.

Do you think I could come with you to the hospital tomorrow Becca?” asked Stan.

I'd like to see how David is doing”

Sure come by for 8:30 so we can see him” said Becca.

She turned from the car and walked into her house.

The next morning Becca and Stan went to the hospital to see David who was released to his father later that past night.

I guess I'll never get to meet him” said Stan.

At least he told em his father was a good man” said Becca.

Becca was sad not to have seen David again but inside she knew it was better for him to be with his father then to be cooped up in a hospital all day. Becca never did see David again but she knew that he was safe and happy with his father.

Word Count:662


  1. okay first off, this has a good start. the air of creepyness is astounding. it dosnt explain why she is there though. did she live there, did she just move? wouldnt she have heard his screams before? it doesnt seem to addup, although this is the best part of the sory

    the rest off the story is problematic though. it just doesnt add up. at what part of the story is this taking place? the child cald it part of the story just didnt add up with the actual story. this is the part of the story ruined it for me

    thee the conversation takes place. it is a very, very long conversation, and is easily half of the whole story. it sounds very authentic, and the charecters acted they way they should.

    overall, the reaction i have is a mixed bag. while some parts shine, other parts bring it down considerably. i can imagine the begining and the conversation clearly in my mind.

    overall, the only real problem i have is the lack of detail. you didnt explain enough,and it looks rushed. you need to explain the situation, why the charecters are there, and where they go. it was pretty good overall, considering we didnt have a lot o time to do it, but detail would be nice

  2. 1. The first paragraph made me feel shocked. I feel stunned when i read that paragraph. I could see Dave, a small child, bleeding unstoppably. This sounds like a paragraph straight from "A Child Called It"
    2. The conversation between the two characters seemed mildly authentic. I think the author could have used more descriptive verbs to describe the characters tone to improve the story.
    3. "Becca immediately intervened and pulled David away from his mother. He was bleed profusely and was unconscious." These two lines were extremely descriptive and that's why i liked it. The adjectives were very vivid and that's what made the paragraph come to life.
    4. I think that the author could use more descriptive verbs and there was some improper grammar, which could just be a typing error. The author could also make the dialogue a little longer and distribute dialogue throughout the story.
    5. Try using more vivid words in your next essay. Also try using more descriptive adjectives.

  3. One question straight first off, what story is this taking place in? This essay seems kinda jumpy and a little out of place. The begining was also rather confusing. If Rebecca had heard the yell of an angry woman, wouldn't of breaking into their house been a terrible idea? And did she even call the police after picking up the mauled child? And I never really understood the ending due to the fact that his father never really did anything to help him from his abusive mother so that honestly made clsoe to no sense with me. And when you say 9, do you mean 9 AM or PM? All in all, it was rather confusing, but still decent.

  4. The beginning was very engaging but where are they? Also why was Becca randomly walking around. It was interesting though how you put what was happening with Dave. I could just see a little kid getting beating by his mother with like a shoe or something. The dialogue was a well written but i felt like i was jumping over the reading not really reading it. The story went from scene to scene a little fast. To make the dialogue better you could have used some more descriptive words and increased the length of the dialogue. She ran in the front door and found little David Pelzer being beaten by his mother. "Becca immediately intervened and pulled David away from his mother. He was bleed profusely and was unconscious" thats my favorite part in the story. I can really visualize whats going on in that scene. One thing i found distracting was the story movement i felt like i skipped too quick through the story and i felt like i was missing something. One thing you could improve on is increasing you dialogue and slowing the story down a bit. It was very well written though and i like how you introduced the two characters.